Having bipolar depression (BPD) is difficult. All. The. Time. I don’t care who says otherwise. There’s the meds: getting them just right can take a long time. Plus, the “cocktail” needs tweaking on occasion. Then, there’s the stigma: people are afraid when they hear the words Bipolar Disorder. Plus, let’s face it; patients have to face what’s in their heads. I have my own fears, disappointments, depression, self-deprecating thoughts. Managment is really high maintenace.
Bipolar disorders are mental health conditions characterized by periodic, intense emotional states affecting a person’s mood, energy, and ability to function. These periods, lasting from days to weeks, are called mood episodes. Mood episodes are categorized as manic/hypomanic episodes when the predominant mood is intensely happy or irritable, or depressive episodes when there is an intensely sad mood or the ability to experience joy or pleasure disappears. People with bipolar disorder generally have periods of neutral mood as well. When treated, people with bipolar disorder can lead full and productive lives. I taught high school and college English for 30 years, with no idea of how sick I was.
Psychiatry.org – Bipolar Disorders
Add in people and it can be painful. Add in unkind words or actions and that difficulty can quickly escalate into serious depression. Especially if the BPD patient truly cares about the people, their actions, or words. Something from strangers is easier to deal with than the same behavior from a loved one.
I’ll try to explain how another person’s action, which may seem minor, can become a depressing event, using my experiences.
Before Covid, a friend and I had standing plans to watch a new movie once a month. It’s something we regularly did together, and both of us seemed to enjoy it. One time, without mentioning it, she changed her plans. Later, I discovered that she had gone to the movie but with other friends. Now, for most people, this is a reason to get upset, maybe even have “a discussion” with your friend. Most people’s feelings are hurt, upset or angry. This reaction is completely justified and may take a while to get over it and forgive the other person. But you do.
Someone with BPD would certainly feel that same hurt and anger, but to a stronger degree. Hurt feelings are more like stabbing wounds and letting it go is much more difficult. Instead of resolving the issue, BPD patients’ hurt begins to deepen. It’s much more likely that you remember other times when she treated you badly. Slowly, BPD drags you down into depression and, if it really takes hold, your mind cannot let go, so it stops trying. It’s not long before your body stops fighting, also. In fact, the emotional pain becomes physical pain: I have chronic headaches and stomach issues. I can be sapped of energy, and everything takes great effort. Getting out of bed. Showering and getting dressed. Eating. Dealing with family. I can’t even go into the sewing room.
A painful event can be devastating. When our adoption fell through, I worked for three weeks while in a depression so deep that I can’t remember anything except the depression and the child we didn’t get. I was steeped in darkness and felt like my mind and body were working on co-pilot. Work friends took care of me during the day, the boys and Richard took care of me after school and evenings. Taking care means my oldest son told me to shower. The boys (ages 9-14) cooked, and someone straightened the house. I’ve been more aware while on a strong dose of Valium. I don’t remember being suicidal, but I did make the decision to end the adoption process. I simply could not suffer this trauma again. That eight-year-old daughter, whom we didn’t get, would be in her late thirties now, yet I told the story to a friend a month ago and cried over the loss.
Something completely unrelated to that story happened two weeks ago that spiraled me into an episode of depression so deep that I really should have gone to the hospital. Richard to the rescue, though. He has been with me to therapy sessions and to see my psychologist. They have had conversations about how he can help me when I’m in this state. He can’t make it go away, but he can ensure that I get enough water, take my meds, shower, go outside, etc. What a Godsend of a husband, right?
How difficult is it for you to overcome a bout of depression, whether you have or don’t have BPD? If you have BPD, how do you handle a serious episode of mania or depression?
Soon we should chat about BPD mania. What do you think?
